Paddling humor: one-liners said to you while paddling

[pblanc]

Here are a couple of humorous comments either overheard by or said to a couple of my Missouri Ozark friends. On one occasion my friend Terry W. was stopped for lunch on a gravel bar with a group paddling the Current River from Pulltite to Round Spring. The gravel bar was directly opposite a nice, scenic, high bluff on river right that an apparently intoxicated individual was trying to rock climb. A couple of rangers on river patrol came by in a boat and tried to get this crazed individual to cease and desist whereupon the individual stated "Hey, I know what I am doing. I'm a helicopter pilot". The bluff has been known to my acquaintances as "helicopter pilot bluff" ever after.

On another occasion a friend was involved in instructing a swiftwater rescue class on Missouri's Saint Francis River. The were proceeding through a little park at Millstream Gardens Conservation Area. They were attired in helmets, dry suits with large Latex neck gaskets and Type V PFDs with rescue tethers attached (neither of which were very commonly seen at the time), and were carrying throw bags, carabiners, pulleys, rescue ropes, and various other arcane accoutrements. An individual visiting the park took note of them passing and asked my friend "What are you guys, some kind of half-arsed Astronauts?"

 

[scratchypants]

I needed a paddle to guy up one corner of our tarp, so I asked my wife to get one. She's at the boat looking at them asks "Which oar?" So I said "Either".

 

[Waterdog]

A bunch of us from Pennsylvania drove up to Ottawa to do the middle channel of the Ottawa R. The only one who didn’t paddle white water was my brothers future wife who visited the camp spa each day. After a couple days my brother decided to bush wack to the river and tow her across the flat section below Baby Face rapid to watch the play boaters. He was beat to hell when they finally arrived. He went on to say the woods were full of mosquito clouds and the couldn’t find the river. Upon stumbling into a clearing raw and sweating they realized they were in someone’s back yard who were having a cookout. My brother explained he was looking for the Ottawa river just below Baby face. He told me the guy at the grill just stared at them expressionless and said “you must be Americans”.

 

[DaveO]

Casual boaters always think they are being so clever with the "going the wrong way" comments.

reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite movies:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDY1z6ezqO4

"Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?"

 

[NCDawg]

An old friend of mine who has passed was a favorite fishing buddy. He was always up front(the choice spot) and I handled most of the paddling and all the steering. He had a tendency to run through the beer pretty quick, but managed to keep a line in the water. Almost every time we encountered someone, they would ask "catching anything"? He'd answer "Expecting one any minute". I've tried to follow that mantra ever since. So far, so good

 

[gumpus]

Met my buddy at a nice rural lake. Two old guys were launching a small aluminum fishing boat at the dirt ramp so I walked the dog in the woods while we waited for them. Came back and saw their boat pointing vertically off the back of their trailer. They finally got it launched and pulled their car out and parked it and the driver opened a rear door and a ton of water poured out. He looked at me and said "we're not very good at this". They left, we launched, and as we launched we saw a park ranger giving their car a ticket.

 

[Black_Fly]

"I wasn't lost - just a might bewildered."
"You'll do well, Del." (line from Jeremiah Johnson)
"Feels like far." (also a line from Jeremiah Johnson)
"Therein squats the toad." (means that's the reason)

When we lived in Wyoming, for months we had only a limited VCR library to entertain us on cold winter nights. Jeremiah Johnson was a mainstay due to the hilarious dialogue and tolerable good plot. My wife, daughter and I regularly drop one-liners from that movie, and are usually answered with the next line from the movie. A flying bird is "making for the Musselshell." If biscuits are on the menu, "I make dang good biscuits, boy."

 

[frozentripper]

Perhaps more properly belongs in the "swim stories/photos" thread but never mind... for those that are being driven crazy by others constantly stopping for selfies at the worst possible time or parading around with selfie sticks.

 

[yknpdlr]

Novice paddler: "how far to where we we are on this long lake paddle to where we turn on to the river?" Me: "It is just around that next point of land about a half mile ahead". Almost two miles later, Novice paddler: "how far to where we turn from this long lake paddle to where we turn on to the river?" Me: "it is just around that next point of land about a half mile ahead, we're almost there". I find it is best to be optimistic to keep going when possible with the "are we there yet?" questions.

Recently, my very new Texan daughter-in-law and my son were visiting at my lake cottage for the first time, getting ready to go for a short easy paddle. I gave them a very stable relatively wide Wenonah Prospector to paddle as a better choice than my narrow racing Minn II. She says to me she has limited clothing with her and cannot get wet. "What are the chances I will not get wet?" Thinking she meant what are the chances of capsizing while paddling, I say "100% you will not get wet". Famous last words on my part. So they carry the canoe down to the water and float it in the shallows before getting in. Then even before she dons her PFD she steps in the canoe. I witness her step well off center, flip the boat and she flops in, getting completely soaked in the shallows. Luckily, being a good sport, she had an extra pair of pants and went in to change. I next demonstrated how to stabilize a canoe for each other by straddling the deck (as my son should have known). We were then soon paddling safely with no more issues and she got her first chance to ever see and hear a loon family on the lake with no more issues or chances of getting wet (!00%). Her other first was experiencing a relatively cool and very comfortable (though at times rain showery) north country June week, while at their home in Texas the heat index soared to 120F with strong storms and hail.

 

[Pseudonym]

Last June, I was on the John Day River in OR and water levels were unusually high at 14,000 CFS. An old-timer on a raft paddled past us and exclaimed: "Water's a little high for canoes, ain't it boys?" She wasn't wrong! We all had a good laugh and kept repeating the line over and over again for the rest of the trip.

 

[MyKneesHurt]

Geese have no sense of humor. I passed by a bunch the other day and said, "good afternoon, gentlemen"; then, because there were certainly ladies in the group as well, I followed with "I beg your pardon, I didn't mean to mis-gander you". Not one of them laughed.

 

[Rubbaboo]

A few years age we Chartered a flight off the Fond du Lac. Wife asks the pilot if there are different sizes of Beavers (she meant Dehavilland). He interpreted the question a little differently. For a second we thought we’d fall out of the sky he was laughing so hard.

 

[Halpc]

As we were approaching the takeout at the end of a four day trip with a group of Boy Scouts down the Susquehanna River, an allegedly intelligent Yale doctoral student asked me “was I supposed to bring my car keys? I left them in your glovebox so that they couldn’t get wet”. It was a long hitchhike back to the put-in.

 

[lowangle al]

While taking a shoreside break on a hot afternoon paddle last month I poured water from the canteen over my head to cool off. When my wife turned and saw me with water dripping down my hair and face she said, "Please tell me that was intentional or I'm pressing the SOS button."

 

[Eddie2002]

I was paddling around a lake in Florida and heard a kid say to his dad "Look daddy, a gator can we catch him and eat him ?" still cracks me up.

 

[Johnny 5]

" Stop talking, you're hurting my ears"

I was in ear shot of my oldest son when he said this to the young paddler in his canoe that had been asking too many questions at the end of a long day of paddling .